Fire tongues leave black scraps
In it’s weary wake
Charcoal dreams and fallen angels
All express their pain
Struggling still to snap, to break
Before the acid rain
I’ve wandered here in fantasies
In macabre nightmare
Hand-grasping, whisper curious
Their torture still ensues
How weak the humans can tear
When we’re wrongly accused
Among them they sprinkled spices
Feed passion – zealous – bleed
Shining what had disintegrated
Springing open minds
They’re irritated by the need
To search for what they cannot find
We could rush the wounds
Cast the healing for which they fought
But mourning by the sour moon
They cling to what they’ve been taught
Blinded to their burning tongue
Their tine will soon run short
They know they’re wrong –
Burning and young –
But the charred tongue has already whispered the word
“Mort”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
The emphasis in this poem definitely is more on the words and the sound of the words and the rhythm, which I like. The rhythm is great. It pounds when it needs to. My critiques are not specific, sorry. There is a slight tendency to overwrite here, but because your rhythm flowed so well, most people would ignore that. But the poem is also obscure in its meaning, leaving only potheads and beatniks to ponder over it. Certainly you could supply your own meaning, but when the reader can find no nifying theme in the poem, he hardly wants to look for meaning.
Love your imagery and your vocabulary. Good work.
Firstly - Do the Punc! As Bob would say.
Secondly - my crit - so here we go -
Fire tongues leave black scraps
In it’s weary wake - I would change to in a weary wake. it's is a bit of a tongue stopper.
Charcoal dreams and fallen angels
All express their pain
Struggling still to snap, to break - the use of still confuses, nix it.
Before the acid rain - punctuation - Before the acid rain.
I’ve wandered here in fantasies - comma - fantasies,
In macabre nightmare - I think this line needs a extra word, maybe this. In this macabre nightmare.
Hand-grasping, whisper curious - instead of a comma I would put - and. Hand-grasping and whisper-curious
Their torture still ensues - punctuation - still ensues:
How weak the humans can tear
When we’re wrongly accused - punctuation - accused.
Among them they sprinkled spices - I love this line.
Feed passion – zealous – bleed - maybe - (feed passion - zealous - bleed)
Shining what had disintegrated - confusing line, recast maybe?
Springing open minds
They’re irritated by the need
To search for what they cannot find - these last few lines are all well and good, but they are a bit wordy
We could rush the wounds
Cast the healing for which they fought - punct - fought.
But mourning by the sour moon
They cling to what they’ve been taught - punct - taught.
Blinded to their burning tongue - by rather than to
Their tine will soon run short - punct - short,
They know they’re wrong –
Burning and young –
But the charred tongue has already whispered the word - break this line up *
“Mort”
* But the charred tongue has
already whispered the word - Mort.
- or something like that.
I like is poem Xan, but in parts you get so wrapped up in your words that it is hard to decipher the message.
Ciao, CL